The cruelty of the mind…

Posted in 1 on February 8, 2010 by NarutoShack - Download Naruto Episode

My footsteps are echoing through the empty corridors. Im running, searching. Nothing but grey. I can hear laughter. I stop, turn my head, where is the noise coming from? I need to find them.

I don’t know this part of the building. Where am I?

The laughter is closer now, a sign say’s ”Park Campus Gloucestershire University” … I don’t study here … but she does…

Realisation sets in, she’s close.

I run harder… harder than i’ve ever ran before. I know I will find her…

Security door. I’m hitting it. I need them to let me through. They make me go round. I don’t have the time!

There they are. There she is…

I pretend I havent noticed. Talk to Emma our mutual friend. We laugh, joke. I turn my back on her. She does the same to me. We pretend to not be aware of each others presence. Neither of us exist.

The same thing tomorrow.

And the next.

A week goes by.

I make my appologies to her friend Tess. I am not a bad person. We talk. Make up.

Another day. We still don’t ‘see’ each other.

*                     *                      *

Today is different. I find her. Don’t look at her. Talk to emma. We get on well.

A tap on my shoulder… My heart stops.

Her eyes are full. She doesn’t know where to look…

Our eyes meet. Lightening. I can’t breath.

She begins to speak. I shake my head. She stops.

I place my palm on her cheak, this has taken 2 years of silence.

I feel the warmth of my own tears. It doesn’t matter.

Our forheads touch. She smiles through glazed eyes.

I kiss her gently.

We embrace, like its our last, i’ve wanted this for so long.

We are euphoric. Happy. Together in that moment. Unbreakable.

*                        *                        *

I wake up.

This, my friends, has been a strange week…

Posted in 1 on February 8, 2010 by NarutoShack - Download Naruto Episode

I have had the up’s, the down’s, the lonelyness, the isolation,  the clarification and the realisation of who I am, what i feel, and how I deal with that.

These past two weeks I have had no money, so to speak, with literally £2.50 to my name. Needless to say it has been hard times. But, through the generousity of others, I have managed to hold on!

Last night I just so happend to participate in what we aptly called a ”lads night.” These, ladies, envolve watching a sport, then drinking beer, spirits, burping, farting, talking about COD4 and which platform ”pwns” and then commentating through the entire game. Last night … last night was brilliant! Quite possibly one of the best nights out I have ever had in Cheltenham. But thats not all. The sport that we were watching, just so happend to be … SUPERBOWWWWLLLLLLL 44!!!! Colts VS Saints. A truely thrilling game, however I shall spare you the bloggers second rate review, and just say, the saints won a tremendous victory, and I myself, won £58 from backing them.

Now I know I said I have no money, and I do not. This just so happens to be money that I have had sitting in a betting account for quite some time. However now that I have a grand total of £125 in there, I think its time to ”take out & get out” as I like to say.

From what I have said so far, it sounds like a pretty good last week, and you may be thinking ”yeh, he’s done well .. had no money in his bank account, used up his remaining money on a bet, and came out on top..” and yes, your right, I can now afford to eat for a little while! However, food has not been my only concern… The persistant 2 week ”man flu” aside, I have been dreaming alot. Now, this is a very strange phenomenon for me. I have not rememberd any of my dreams for the last 2 or 3 years, and yet out of no where I suddenly have about one solid week’s worth of ”dream clarity”, if you will, all about the same thing, or should I say person. Out of these dreams there happend to be one that stood out immensly. This dream was so vivid, that I found myself questioning if it had happend the day before, upon awaking, to then realise that it had not. It was the crulest dream my own mind had ever produced. When the realisation hit that it was only a dream, and that the week+ events I had drempt about were not, in fact, true. I got up, got out of bed, went downstairs, and cried. I found myself searching the student house I live in for ANYONE that I could talk to, and quick, but no one was in. I went downstairs, stood in front of the toilet, looked at myself in the mirror, and i just couldn’t hold the tears back. I have not cried, in quiet a while. Not since i broke up with my ex-ex-girlfriend, Cindy. Anyone getting a picture of what this dream could have possibly involved?

I have recounted me and Cindy to a few people, and it seems like many times. Long story short = 2 years, thought about engagement, bought the ring, chickened out, gave as birthday present, never felt wanted/needed, asked for a months break (22nd jan. 09 – 22nd feb. 09 [my birthday]), MEGA tears on her part, thought right choice, one day later she doesnt know what she wants, one week later shes getting with someone else, 2 years down the drain, i get the ring back, she never knows I actuly wanted to marry her, and we now havent spoken since march 2009, which was VERY breif as I got the ring back ”it ment alot more to me than it ever did to you” thats how the conversation went. SO! Thats that! … Back to where I was going, before the catch up session. As I stood in front of the mirror, my friend Jo walked in, or Parsons, as most of us call him. He instantly questioned what was wrong, thinking I was angry with him, yet, after walking outside and shakily lighting a cigarette, I embraced him and just couldn’t hold it back. It wasn’t even the silent type of cry, it was full on ”you cant breath” kind of cry, sobbing! I had no control over this at all, and after explaining what had happened, we had a long talk…

In my next blog post I shall do my best to provied an accurate recount of this dream, but try to do so in a way so that you can empathise. Many appologies to you all that have read this and are in a little bit of a state of confusion. But there is no high without a low, no north with out south, and no Eskimo without cold balls.

Over and out.

The injustice of it all…

Posted in So you call this a blog? on February 6, 2010 by NarutoShack - Download Naruto Episode

Well, it had to come sometime. I do, however, think that four hours after blog creation may be a little too soon, but here we go all the same. I just so happen to be in the situation of financial crisis. Now i know this may make you laugh, as you may be thinking ”Student!? Financial crisis!? BE SILENT!” … now, to a point, i would tend to agree. Students have an abundent source of money, on paper, and a fair amount of money coming in three times yearly, in the form of a student loan (money that is lent by our government, but to be repaid upon entering into the working environment) which is in excess of £1,100 and a student maintenance grant (money that is leached and exploited as a meens of living and that does not require paying back [i.e. out of the pocket of the tax payer]) which varies from £40 to £1000+ per semester, dependant upon the student’s parent’s income p.a. This is not to mention the student bank accounts that we have at our finger tips which can be in excess of £2500 interest free overdraft (again untill entering into the working environment). Now don’t get me wrong, that seems a hefty amount of money, in total to be handing out to each singular student, especially from the perspective of somebody who is not at university and may feel that they are missing out. Now, this is where i attempt to make my point. I personally happen to be in that bracket where by, my parents, on paper, earn too much. However, the governments system is so brilliant that this is exactly the way they go about looking at this situation ‘paper money.’ Your average person working the average job in the average life style, will recieve a P45 at the end of each taxable work period and will therefor be able to provide evidence as to exactly what they have earnt for that tax year. They will then fall into a certain category which will thereby determin how much money their lovely little daughter or son may recieve. Brilliant. That sounds solid enuff right? … Wrong. In my situation my father works for himself as a chartered architect and owns his own buisness. This is a relativly new buissness and alot of money happens to be tied up in dividens. On top of this ‘paper money’ that he has not recieved, yet is still included in his ‘taxable income’ he then has to pay all of his staff and rent for his property. Now i will not pretend to know the ‘ins and outs’ of the buissness world, nor will i pretend to know any more than what i have just said about my fathers situation, but you can see where this is going. As a result of all the expenditure and the rediculous amount that my father is taxed! He has only been withdrawing £500 approx. per month to support a 6 person family, pay for a 5 bedroom house, and me at university. Now i know many of you whom have read this far, and i congratulate you on that, may be thinking ”but your father has a good career, a nice income, his own buissness and a house that can cater for 6” and yes, you would be right. But that does not change the fact that we, I have had a very meager living. I also may hear you say ”whats the point of this post and where is it going?” Well, my friends, this is where it is going. Out of all that money that i listed at the start of this, because of the ”paper money” my father has, i recieve zero grant, and only a loan that i have to pay back. As a result i often do not have enough money to pay my rent, and find myself selling my own posessions to make my payments. As i am now a second year this also meens i pay bills, like any other homeowner, and also pay for the internet, phone line, and what will soon be a television lisence (out voted i think). This has left me in a situation where i have literally 40 pence to my name and another 8 weeks left of term time until the next loan goes in, in april. How, may i ask, has this scheam been drawn up and successfully applied, when the students that benefit with a nice amount of money, have a reglar income from their parents, and have a little left over from their loans, not to mention the ‘upto £1000+ grant’ that they may be recieving each semester, and don’t forget the interest free student bank accounts. How is this fair, when the minority in my situation are having to make the crucial life changing decision of ”can i realisticly afford to be at university?” At this point i would like to take the time to say, okay, i may not be the perfect person for this argument, or the perfect role model. I completely overlooked the student overdraft facility in my first year and being the naive individual that i was, went and spent £895 of the £1,250 that i had avaliable to me on a diamond solitare engagement ring. I guess, from my last post, this can be considered one of my ‘failures.’ We all make them. I have learnt one of lifes hardest lessons, and shall continue doing so. On this note i bid you all a fond fairwell, and thankyou for taking the time time to sympatise, empathise, or even to simply have a little laugh at others misfortune. Bonsoir.

Well… I’ve landed…

Posted in So you call this a blog? on February 6, 2010 by NarutoShack - Download Naruto Episode

My first shout to the world. My first solitary endevour into unknown internet territory. MY OWN PAGE… O_O … Well … here we go I guess. I feel that this place I may treat like a diary an insight into the mind of a 21 year old BAhons Psychology student at the University of Gloucestershire, from the homely town of Gorleston, Norfolk, where we all have 6 fingers, 8 toes, and cousins that we call lovers. This blog will cover my successess, my losses, my failures, my emotions, feelings, thoughts and experiences, in hope that one day i can reflect upon my life, how it has developed and what I have been through to get to where I am now and where I will be in the future. I do not necessarily intend for people to read this, or indeed to comment. But it would be good to know that I am not alone on this journey and that maybe, just maybe a small proportion of the 6,800,000,000 people on this planet will be willing to follow me on this voyage called ‘life.’ So here we go, ‘bottoms up’, ‘down the hatch’ and let it begin…

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