Archive for the 1 Category

The cruelty of the mind…

Posted in 1 on February 8, 2010 by NarutoShack - Download Naruto Episode

My footsteps are echoing through the empty corridors. Im running, searching. Nothing but grey. I can hear laughter. I stop, turn my head, where is the noise coming from? I need to find them.

I don’t know this part of the building. Where am I?

The laughter is closer now, a sign say’s ”Park Campus Gloucestershire University” … I don’t study here … but she does…

Realisation sets in, she’s close.

I run harder… harder than i’ve ever ran before. I know I will find her…

Security door. I’m hitting it. I need them to let me through. They make me go round. I don’t have the time!

There they are. There she is…

I pretend I havent noticed. Talk to Emma our mutual friend. We laugh, joke. I turn my back on her. She does the same to me. We pretend to not be aware of each others presence. Neither of us exist.

The same thing tomorrow.

And the next.

A week goes by.

I make my appologies to her friend Tess. I am not a bad person. We talk. Make up.

Another day. We still don’t ‘see’ each other.

*                     *                      *

Today is different. I find her. Don’t look at her. Talk to emma. We get on well.

A tap on my shoulder… My heart stops.

Her eyes are full. She doesn’t know where to look…

Our eyes meet. Lightening. I can’t breath.

She begins to speak. I shake my head. She stops.

I place my palm on her cheak, this has taken 2 years of silence.

I feel the warmth of my own tears. It doesn’t matter.

Our forheads touch. She smiles through glazed eyes.

I kiss her gently.

We embrace, like its our last, i’ve wanted this for so long.

We are euphoric. Happy. Together in that moment. Unbreakable.

*                        *                        *

I wake up.

This, my friends, has been a strange week…

Posted in 1 on February 8, 2010 by NarutoShack - Download Naruto Episode

I have had the up’s, the down’s, the lonelyness, the isolation,  the clarification and the realisation of who I am, what i feel, and how I deal with that.

These past two weeks I have had no money, so to speak, with literally £2.50 to my name. Needless to say it has been hard times. But, through the generousity of others, I have managed to hold on!

Last night I just so happend to participate in what we aptly called a ”lads night.” These, ladies, envolve watching a sport, then drinking beer, spirits, burping, farting, talking about COD4 and which platform ”pwns” and then commentating through the entire game. Last night … last night was brilliant! Quite possibly one of the best nights out I have ever had in Cheltenham. But thats not all. The sport that we were watching, just so happend to be … SUPERBOWWWWLLLLLLL 44!!!! Colts VS Saints. A truely thrilling game, however I shall spare you the bloggers second rate review, and just say, the saints won a tremendous victory, and I myself, won £58 from backing them.

Now I know I said I have no money, and I do not. This just so happens to be money that I have had sitting in a betting account for quite some time. However now that I have a grand total of £125 in there, I think its time to ”take out & get out” as I like to say.

From what I have said so far, it sounds like a pretty good last week, and you may be thinking ”yeh, he’s done well .. had no money in his bank account, used up his remaining money on a bet, and came out on top..” and yes, your right, I can now afford to eat for a little while! However, food has not been my only concern… The persistant 2 week ”man flu” aside, I have been dreaming alot. Now, this is a very strange phenomenon for me. I have not rememberd any of my dreams for the last 2 or 3 years, and yet out of no where I suddenly have about one solid week’s worth of ”dream clarity”, if you will, all about the same thing, or should I say person. Out of these dreams there happend to be one that stood out immensly. This dream was so vivid, that I found myself questioning if it had happend the day before, upon awaking, to then realise that it had not. It was the crulest dream my own mind had ever produced. When the realisation hit that it was only a dream, and that the week+ events I had drempt about were not, in fact, true. I got up, got out of bed, went downstairs, and cried. I found myself searching the student house I live in for ANYONE that I could talk to, and quick, but no one was in. I went downstairs, stood in front of the toilet, looked at myself in the mirror, and i just couldn’t hold the tears back. I have not cried, in quiet a while. Not since i broke up with my ex-ex-girlfriend, Cindy. Anyone getting a picture of what this dream could have possibly involved?

I have recounted me and Cindy to a few people, and it seems like many times. Long story short = 2 years, thought about engagement, bought the ring, chickened out, gave as birthday present, never felt wanted/needed, asked for a months break (22nd jan. 09 – 22nd feb. 09 [my birthday]), MEGA tears on her part, thought right choice, one day later she doesnt know what she wants, one week later shes getting with someone else, 2 years down the drain, i get the ring back, she never knows I actuly wanted to marry her, and we now havent spoken since march 2009, which was VERY breif as I got the ring back ”it ment alot more to me than it ever did to you” thats how the conversation went. SO! Thats that! … Back to where I was going, before the catch up session. As I stood in front of the mirror, my friend Jo walked in, or Parsons, as most of us call him. He instantly questioned what was wrong, thinking I was angry with him, yet, after walking outside and shakily lighting a cigarette, I embraced him and just couldn’t hold it back. It wasn’t even the silent type of cry, it was full on ”you cant breath” kind of cry, sobbing! I had no control over this at all, and after explaining what had happened, we had a long talk…

In my next blog post I shall do my best to provied an accurate recount of this dream, but try to do so in a way so that you can empathise. Many appologies to you all that have read this and are in a little bit of a state of confusion. But there is no high without a low, no north with out south, and no Eskimo without cold balls.

Over and out.